“you don’t look depressed though”
oh yeah sorry i forgot to bring my literal dark cloud with me today
going to mcdonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Do you think every president goes through a awkward first few weeks in office when they’re not sure when’s the right time to ask if aliens are real or not?
2 notes doesnt pay the rent
"hey aren’t you too old for Poké…”
i’m fluent in talking shit
- mom: honey why do you stay up so late
- me: because sometimes Beyoncé releases raNDOM SHIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND I HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THAT
everyone says they want a fairytale wedding but when i show up and curse their firstborn suddenly i’m the jerk
how many calories do I burn when I run away from my problems?